Welcome Fall, Welcome Change

whitneysavageau
Sep 15, 2020
5 min read

I haven't wrote much, not on here at least; but after a big change how easy is it to actually keep your routine and keep up with life in general? .. oh, right, it's not.

I let writing go for awhile, to focus on other things, like gaming, my books, the move, some of my mental heath, and to attempt at practicing 'the art of letting go'.

this isn't a pity post, so if you're thinking "woe is me" type of deal, stop now. i know how to handle myself and deal with things in my own way. i ask for help when i need it, the rest i'll figure out on my own. this, like anything else i post is for the sake that even just one person who reads it, will relate to it and feel something. and if not even one person then i got what i wanted to say in my own space ... and that's enough for me.

there's no way to perfect any of these things and beyond hard work to keep up on everything you want too. .. that doesn't mean its not possible, you just have to put in the work for it; but that also doesn't mean it's easy to stay motivated.

all of these things that have happened in the past month, are hard to just 'sort out'. but like everyone else, as the seasons change and life begins to 'open up' again, we are all in a strange transition.

here's a quick summary of WTF has been going on.

what makes this worse, is the pandemic, now don't get me wrong, its not that i'm not sympathetic to everyone who has it, or any of the people we have lost from it, it downright sucks; and the honest truth is that it's just making things a lot worse for everyone, and kind of the reason i'm in this mess.

prior to the pandemic, i needed to get a new license, since i turned 25 this year, but i was in a new state, and the whole roundabout that i had to go through to be able to accomplish getting a license for a new state is a whole different story. anyway, i didn't get it done while i was in MN for lack of a lengthy story. ~ fast forward, covid hits, hard. quarantine gets to an unbearable point, nothing is open, making it a lot harder to get anything accomplished. i come home (back to MI for a little, i end up extending my time, since work seems to be minimal and we are working effectively online with the team). .. another week later, we lose our jobs. i have been working on getting things together, organizing, figuring things out. getting a license is still on the list of things to do, but of course now that appointments are needed for everything it makes it a bit harder. especially since ... you need job to pay for a car, but then you need a license to get a car, and for both of you to get those you need money. there can be countless excuses, but in reality you just have to deal with the punches and toughen up.. if things are handed to you, you wont learn nearly as much. .. so in a shitty way, this is all a good thing. even though it sucks now.

[side note: transitions and changes are hard, its how you handle them and get through them, that make you stronger, better, and more knowledgeable.]

after getting rid of my lease that i had just signed to renew, i pay for a few months of rent an apartment that i'm no longer even living in. pack, move, and leave my entire "accomplished" dream behind me..

again, i know, new doors open and all of that, and i am looking at the positives ahead, but i'm also focused on right now. and frankly 'right now' kind of sucks. when i left it also felt like my past relationship was going to an end all over again, like 'this is really it' type of feel, 'this is really the end, huh.' and i cant even explain how bad that hurts.

being home is great, don't get me wrong. .. but when you go from having an entire city in walking distance to literally anything you need; any vet, doctor, grocery store, work, parks.. all able to get to; but now having no job, its one hell of a hard transition when you felt like you have everything and now it feels like you're starting over in a big way.

as we welcome change with the different seasons, we also need to let ourselves embrace the change. even if it hurts, its terrifying, or saddening.. or in my case, all of the above. we need to welcome it, let it take its course, and just keep working.

don't get me wrong, i hate when people shove positive down my throat as well, in fact its beyond infuriating when someone just says "just think happy thoughts" as if its that easy to force yourself to mentally think everything is a vacation summer day on a lake somewhere.. but that's not really how it works.

while battling with anxiety and depression feeling like they're spiraling out of control and at an awful point, it's hard to 'just be ok'. which is perfectly understandable, but letting it overpower you and take over is a fight you can win, even if its hard. even if you have countless things going on.

that being said, here's some things that at least, most days, help me when i can't get out of my own head:

- sit outside, don't even have to do anything, just sit there and be.

- make some fresh coffee, or go to your favorite coffee shop

- look at the trees [idk, i just really like trees]

- play in the sand [i have a zen garden - kind of, its kinetic sand, but still, its fun.]

- paint, draw, or write

- go for a walk, and yes.. leave your phone behind [or at least turn it on do not disturb]

as for the job front, if you're like me, and you just need to keep busy even though you like your time alone; first, take your time. i cannot stress that enough, take your time, but also don't let doing nothing get the best of you. we have bills and responsibilities, having time to do nothing is great, but not having money can make things even harder on you and the added stress is absolutely not worth it.

i took time for myself, i took about a month in my apartment to say goodbye before i had to leave.. i also took a few weeks here at home to get situated. and no, i'm not riding out unemployment, why? because 1. i don't like when i'm not working for something and 2. which should have been #1, is the fact that i also don't get it. but i also don't like doing nothing and not having money. to each their own, though. i have just started applying for some part time positions while i find a full time one.