i'm not scared, i just don't give a shit.

whitneysavageau
Jan 26, 2020
4 min read

i don't know what it is. maybe its the fact that i was in a couple long term pretty serious relationships... or the fact that even before those it seemed like i always had a s/o around. but the fact that people tell me "you're just scared to love again, because you were hurt." .. honestly, shut your mouth.

i'm not sorry, but you're very wrong. because i would love to love again, i would love to have someone in my life that actually grows with me, while growing on their own. someone to be there for me and care for me when i need it at all hours of the night and in the mornings i cant sleep. and someone that i can help take care of too and live life with. share all my experiences with, travel with, and love with. the idea of it sounds great.

but guess what? i don't want that right now and i'm NOT SCARED.

opening up to someone is scary, sure. you have to put a lot of trust into them. you have to put a lot of effort into them. its a lot of work for a relationship; you have to choose to love them everyday, you have to choose to stand by them and help them everyday, by being with someone (which if you're not a cheater or something- which don't get me started, we have already had this discussion last week) you put a lot of effort into yourself, them, and the relationship. [which is how it should be].

but guess what else? i don't want to give effort. AND THAT'S OKAY.

effort is one of the things you need to put into relationships to help keep them working.

and currently? i don't want to have to worry about someone else right now.

i don't want to have to check on someone and how their feeling, unless it's myself.

i want to sit around and do nothing alone. i want to go out with my friends and kiss random people at the bar. i want to be kind of reckless in doing things that you can't do while you're in a relationship or while your're dating or talking to someone. - unless you're a shitbag.. then you still do these things i'm talking about, which is unbelievably dumb.

i'm growing and learning. in all aspects. i'm learning to be a better person, to myself and to everyone else. i'm learning more about politics and the world around us. i'm investing time in myself and my family + friends. i'm at a point in my life where i finally am comfortable being alone. does it get lonely sometimes? of course! but would i change it? absolutely not. and i want to continue to do these things, full effort on myself and not include someone else.

call me selfish if you'd like, because again, i don't give a shit.

just because i'm not in a relationship and not seeking one out, doesn't mean i'm sacred to be in one. it also doesn't mean i'm sad. have i been hurt? absolutely. have i hurt people? yup. stop making people feel uncomfortable and question themselves because they don't have someone in their life/ or they're not dating or trying to find someone. here's a weird concept: you learn who you are fist, to then have the added benefit of someone else in your life. WEIRD. not really. it's not weird to want to be alone. it's not weird to not want to date. and that doesn't mean you're scared. it doesn't mean its only because you've been hurt.

just because i say how i don't want a relationship because i can't trust people, doesn't mean i'm scared. i just don't want to put in the effort to learn about someone new right now or have to care about someone else. i don't want to put in the effort to give myself like that. i'm not scared, i just want to be "selfish" and i don't want to give a shit about anyone else right now.

i feel like most people think that i need someone else in my life "because you're lonely".

well jokes on you guys. because do you know how lonely i was before, while having someone to sleep with every night? fucking terribly. *disclosure* now, don't get me wrong, it's not entirely their fault- it's mine too. but regardless, i'm not trying to play the blame game - i just knew that if i didn't clarify, that people would do what they always do; and assume shit. so quit it. - i'm just trying to clarify feelings. people think i'm lonely because i;m alone, but what not enough people realize is how lonely you can feel with someone next to you. just because they're physically next to you, doesn't mean they're actually invested in you. - remember that.

stop tearing yourself apart because someone else made the CHOICE to cheat on you and break your trust. because someone CHOSE to break you down. because someone CHOSE to do this. you didn't make the choice. THEY DID. they chose this. dont even argue with me on how any substances were involved. guess what was involved before those substances? intentions. there were countless things that built up to get to this moment of them cheating. so before you go breaking yourself down and tearing yourself apart. remember, their intentions were there before the substances. now don't get me wrong - like i said before - it might not mean they don't love you. you can't control feelings, that's just part of being human. but what you can control is communicating, you can control how you talk to someone and how you treat them. you can control what your body does and who it kisses or sleeps with. you can control any body movement. you can control thoughts you have; which is also the beauty of being a human while being a fucking downfall all at once. we're not perfect and trust me, i know that, i'm no where near it.

thanks for hanging out

thee savage