It's okay, to NOT be okay.

i had another post for today.. but i really need to just get this whole thing off my chest. so here it is.

ITS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY, - AND I'M NOT OKAY.

this has been one of the hardest months in a long time. (granted its not over yet and i know i still have time to work on making it better.)

but, it. is. fucking. hard.

i went to the gym this morning - typical, right? well no. typically i go to the gym in a great mindset and excited to go. .. i went to the gym this morning because i felt so hurt, so upset. so i put my phone on do not disturb to help me get in the full mindset of just being in the gym.. i thought it would make me feel better until i was crying while running on the treadmill. .. so i tried to get my actual workout portion in and distract myself with that instead. but my balance is such trash and my form was shit.. then i realized that's not what i need right now.

so i left and i'm now writing this...

earlier this month i had a conversation with a coworker....

now, i am typically a well composed person. but at work, i was joking with my coworkers as always and one asked if i needed anything. i told him i needed a whole bottle of wine to drown how i feel right now. he laughed, assuming i was joking still and said "you're okay though, you don't need a pity party". - now if you know me well, you know i don't need that. ever. but right then i did. and i lost it. i started crying at work (which is one of the upmost most embarrassing things) but i couldn't help it, thankfully only we were in the office (still embarrassing). i sat there trying to convince myself that i was okay, when i clearly was not...... and he looked at me and said , you know it's okay to not be okay, right? .. and of course i knew that.. i tell my friends that all the time...

and after that conversation i realized that every fucking day for almost all of February i have been trying to convince myself that i'm okay. - now i have done this countless times in my life. just like a lot of people... just go with it. take it one day at a time. sometimes that's now how it works. and this is one of those times.

sometimes you fucking hurt. everything fucking hurts. sometimes, like right now, you don't want anything, but you want everything all at once.

your emotions are a wreck and you don't know if you should just cry or drink a whole bottle of wine or go have bottomless mimosas and have that as lunch. -- which i am currently debating on doing. (no i'm not saying drinking is a way to sole problems and if you know me even in the slightest you know that is not my go to thing to do, even when i joke about it) -- but a lot of bartenders are like your hairdresser, you don't know them that well, or see them that often, but a conversation with a complete stranger who has no idea who you are or your background is refreshing as hell.

today is one of those days. actually. it has been one of those weeks. *correction, like i said earlier, it has been one of those months*.

i miss my bestfriend. and that hurts me because he is all i had out here. the one thing i came out here for, so that REALLY FUCKING SUCKS.

i miss my family.

i miss going to my grandparents and playing dice, baking, and being only 10 minutes away from them.

i miss my bothers, my dog, and my dad.. arguments and petty fights in all. i miss them.

i miss my mom, sisters, and step dad.. yelling and pointless but meaningful conversations all at once.

i miss my sister, niece, and brother in law.. who always have so much on their plate but still make time for me.

i miss my gram and papa.. and cooking, and listening to their arguments turning into laughs.

i miss Michigan and all my friends.

it's okay to not be okay. it's okay to miss things. it's okay to feel lost and hurt. it's okay to feel completely numb. you're allowed to feel and you shouldn't think less of yourself just because you're vulnerable for a little while.

sometimes it all hurts. and sometimes you just don't feel a thing. .. sometimes you're just so hurt and broken you're just completely numb to everything. nothing effects you anymore.

i am pretty great at showing all the good things in my life that happen, but who isn't? people respond a lot more positively to positive things .. that makes sense. but just because someone's hurting does not mean that's a negative thing. it's also a good thing (not that they're hurting and feel like shit, that sucks.). but it is a good thing to feel and be able to process what you're feeling so you can work through it.

but right now, i'm fucking hurting.i'm absolutely lonely in Minnesota. and i'm not okay. ... so. there it is.

i'm not okay. but i hope you all are.. and if you're not, it's okay. - you'll get through this too.

thanks for reading.

as always comments are encouraged; let me know if there's other stuff you're curious about or want me to write about.

Best,

~ the savage