loving an addictive mind

whitneysavageau
Aug 15, 2019
6 min read

(just a small.. writing? not sure if you would call this one a blog.. or short story maybe? possibly some sort of poetry? i'm not sure what i would call it either.. but, here it is.)

if you ever wanted to take a step into my mind, on some things i think about other than what i just post about. the real things, not just the funny or annoying things i post. - and if you relate to this in any way.. feeling this way is hard, but i promise you it makes you stronger than most people can even comprehend.

It's hard when you can't help but want too. It's hard when all you can do is watch or walk away. It's hard when you left to help but you have to watch their wold come crashing down while trying to do well, just to help them. You're bettering you- or trying to, but you lose yourself every time you go back, you remember why you left in the most painful way. you then feel like you're almost worthless because you can't fully help them and make everything better. no matter how hard you try, how much money you make, how many jobs you work.. the black hole that takes over everyone; using or not, it over powers you. it drains you.

it took years for you to realize that this demon wont leave until it takes the person away from you.. and until then it's a constant battle, for them, and you.

addiction does not just affect the user.

there's nothing easy when it comes to someone you love, loving other substances more than you. there's nothing easy when it comes to you still trying to understand, sift through every feeling, every emotion, every thought tearing everyone apart; and still want to help, but can't because only they can help themselves. they have to want to help themselves.

there is absolutely nothing easy when you just have to sit and watch and wait for their down fall. when the substances take over.. when their mind and body is so hooked on needing these things, they lose sight of everything.

sitting there thinking why you're not enough. why they can't just change. why they're not willing to overcome this. why they lie to your face every day.

it's hard. it downright fucking sucks.

you know they're in there. the person you love. that you hope will at least try to get better. the one that you watched growing up.. the one you looked up to, aspired to be one day. the dreams you wanted to tackle together and on your own.

they say they try to fix themselves, conquer it, and you want to believe them; that they will get better, that they're actually trying. but you're older now. you can finally see the demon on their shoulders. it finally is showing its true colors, but not like a demon you see in story books. not the little red of black devil hiding in the shadows. it's like liquid glass, but moves like a person. it shines even in the dark. and once you take your eyes off that little demon back to the one you love; you can see their skin crawling with the need for more of it. their eyes almost completely black like nothing is there anymore.

they look down on you- but they don't mean too; it sure seems like it though.

they say how they're proud of you. that they still love you. but every time they chose this over you, you still ask yourself why, if they loved you, would they be willing to hurt themselves and you like this.

it happens again.. you scan their eyes in search for absolutely anything and glimpse of the real them before you knew what this was ... you find nothing, just a hollow shell deteriorating, morphing into exactly what this demon wants. a demon controlling their body and mind. taking over every ounce of their being.

but struggling to stay positive - for them, you try to push the demon away with your positive thoughts and love, despite the amount of hurt they cause you and everyone around you.

so many have already given up. the demon knows this, it sees everyone begin to leave and digs its glass like talons deeper as it watches another one around them break down and let go.

their circle of trust narrows along with the amount of people in their ring. each one taking hits and struggling to decide if they can get back up or tap out.

sometimes the days are hard they want it all to end, for everyone, for all of us.

but of course, none of them will ever admit that. but it has crossed their minds once before. that they want them to fall so low they realize whats going on, how bad it hurts.

no one actually wants someone to fall, especially not like that; but sometimes it seems like it might hurt less than the daily struggle of watching them start to regress in every aspect of life while you just watch and tear yourself down for not being able to help.

it happens again.. you still struggle to find the words, the right ones that is.. to keep them calm. the ones that wont anger the demon that has latched on so tightly it seems to be embedded into your loved ones spine, controlling every one of their movements and thoughts.

but you have to watch them relapse. time and time again, because the rush is just never good enough anymore. you've seen it pull them under; you've seen it take them and swallow them whole while biting your tongue and holding a smile to make it seem like everything's normal. in hopes they don't lash out on you. so you biggest fears don't become your reality. that you won't end up getting hurt by them when this demon has its claws in.

you have watched them get better.. for awhile anyway. but they function this way. you never saw it before, but now you do. this was always them. this is who they have always been. just functioning. just, there. not living, not being, just, there. but you still love them and you still try, for them.

you have seen them at their worst.

in hospital beds,

on calls that you can barely understand,

passed out on the floor,

or in their car.

stories that people talk about and say they don't know what they would do if they were in a situation like that. so you sit quiet, not to mention the hurt you feel every day. the stress, the anger, frustration of you just wanting them to be better. so they don't hurt anymore. so you, don't hurt anymore.

as it breaks you down day after day. your worries eat away at you.

sitting around thinking, you might not see them again. that any goodbye might be the last one.

that they might not make it to your wedding one day.

but you've seen it. we've all seen it.

even after near death experiences, they get back up.

but not strong like you had hoped, weaker.

they rely on this demon to live and it knows it.

breaking them down just enough so they can come back and it can continue its cycle of torture. so it can not only tear them down, but tear you apart.

and the absolute hardest part ... is knowing that no matter what you do. no matter how much you love them, help them, and give them encouragement.. nothing will change, until they want to. and that's a damn hard pill to swallow.

watching someone (or people) you love have a brain so messed up from all types of usage, that they don't see any better.. even when they've hit rock bottom - more than once. is hard. getting yourself back up, and keeping yourself away from all of these things is hard, but you're so strong for it.

you're strong for avoiding it.

it's okay that you left.

it's okay that you do things to better yourself.

you're strong for still being there as a life line.

you're strong for getting up every day and working through it.

and you're strong for just being you.

(just some things i tell myself when it gets harder.)

thanks for stopping by

thee savage 🖤🤘🏻