if i ever loved you

i rewrote this,about 15 times. all of it. i couldn't decide how i actually felt. the things that i actually wanted to say. i wrote it out of anger a few times - all of the terrible things i felt and how i was so hurt; but then i thought, what good would that do me... hurting the people who ended up hurting me. (not to say that i didn't hurt them too, i did, and i made a lot of mistakes.) that's beside the point. i wrote it now, just to write it, maybe in hopes that it would make me feel better, even if it's only for a second. even if none of them read it, i'm just hoping it will make me feel like it's not left unsaid in a way.

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the first one -

you gave me the world and i turned it down. we wrecked each other. completely broke, tore, shattered, and pulled each other apart. but i learned so much from you and your family, who i still to this day call my family just as they still consider me a part of it. we were young and beyond dumb when it came to some things, but it was a fun first love. without a doubt we went though some of the hardest things together; family events, family/friends passing, relationship clashes.. not even touching the surface on all of the things. you hurt me and i hurt you too. and even though it was one of the hardest things to get over, i wouldn't have changed it for anything. i was lucky to learn from and with you, lucky to love you and be loved by you. and i wish you nothing but happiness, always, because you deserve it all.

the one i never told -

i wrote one thing about you, ever. this being the second.

the first thing i ever wrote about you, once i wrote - and "published" it : feb.19th.

and once i saw what i had put down in writing, i knew right then i couldn't be "with you" anymore, even though we were never together and we agreed to that, that was the moment i realized i needed to start to walk away. i didn't even realized that i loved you, not until later when seeing you all the time just hurt. and that for some reason i just couldn't say no to you, or let you go. it felt like we weren't finished with whatever 'friendship' we had. it wasn't a love that i would say i love you, more that i just loved being with you.. it just seemed right, and when it turned it hurt. but with things we both had going on... it wouldn't work, and that's okay. i still loved all our moments we had together. and i hope you come to terms with all your things and you can love again.

the one i told too late -

i honestly think, in another life we were meant to be together. or maybe we were together in another life and that's just how it was we got so close so quickly.

you never told me i was stupid for going back to the same people; even though we know you wanted to knock some sense into me, you never made me doubt myself, you never saw me as damaged, or broken; you saw the opposite. every. single. time.

you saw me as smart and clever, as confident and beautiful, stronger than anything.

i never actually got mad at you .. i couldn't, but then i did, just once. and the one time you came back into my life - not that you actually left, but it did feel like it - you came in right when i needed you, just like you always have... and i cried, a lot. i was angry, happy, and hurt all at once, but mostly happy.. to even hear from you, to know that you are still there for me always, as i am for you. i hope to never lose you.

the one i thought was forever -

i have rewrote this countless times..it feels like a hundred at this point... i wrote it once when i was unbelievably angry, i wrote it again when i was so sad it felt like someone ripped out my heart, i wrote it again when i wanted to hurt you - and tell everything all of the things you and i did to each other, i wrote it once when i thought we could make things work.. and a few more times when each of those emotions hit again... but now i'm writing it, just when i feel numb.

i think i told you i loved you too soon, i got too excited that it felt right and i thought you were treating me right, and at first you did, until that fun loving event that was anything but fun loving. i don't regret the past 5 years with you, at all. i do and will always love you [because that's just how love works, you will always love them. not in the same way, but always will. if you actually did love someone that's how it works.] and only time will tell when i can "get over" all the things you promised me you would never do but did. and all the things you promised me you would do, but didn't. i don't think i will ever understand or come to terms with the fact that you couldn't even move 30 minutes for me, when i moved 12 hours for you. but that was just it, our whole thing. the whole relationship.. i was willing to give you the world and everything i had, for us; but you just couldn't do the same. 12 hours to me, was less than 30 minutes for you; our time just never lined up. im not sorry for spending time and having memories with you, because when things were good.. they were fucking great.. but when they were off even slightly, you pushed it off like everything would balance out without talking or doing anything about it.. so we broke. i don't regret the miles driven, the flights taken, or the move i made.. but part of me regrets saying "its okay" after apologies that i shouldn't have said it was okay.. because it wasn't. i love you, and always will. but this would have to be goodbye.

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thanks for stopping by,

xx

thee savage