lets chat about cheating

do you know what it feels like when someone cheats on you? well lets be honest and say you don't know. but from my experience .. when you're finally TOLD someone was cheating on you. (and it is in fact true) someone you love. someone you wanted to spend your life with.

here's what it feels like after someone cheats on you:

you feel worthless. you feel so broken and at a loss for words and just about everything else. then mentally? it makes you feel sick. and then? then you do get sick. you get physically sick thinking about how someone who said "i love you" someone who said they were "in love with you" could ruin you like that.

you tear yourself apart. not them. why? i don't have the answer.. because i tore myself apart too. and sometimes i still do.

it still messes with my head every day, that someone i love would ever do that to me. and yes i said love. i will always love him and that's just what it is. but it doesn't mean i'm not hurting. it doesn't mean i'm okay. i have struggled with confidence my entire life for a lot of different things. but once i found this out ... it completely deteriorated my confidence, or the little bit i had left.

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when it comes to relationships., well being in one with me. i only have a few BIG things that i can't cope with, or stay with you, if you do. and those few things being: [1] don't hit me, don't touch me in anyway that i am uncomfortable with. [2] don't cheat on me. don't invest your mental complicity and emotions into someone else, or sleep with or do anything sexual with anyone else. [3] don't do hard drugs. don't even try and convince me that it is ok - because no matter what, you will loose this argument with me. (i don't care if you smoke weed sometimes, or something. but if you're taking pills, or doing dumb shit like cocaine or higher - get away from me, thank you.)

a lot of people are disgusted with the thought of someone cheating on another or shocked that anyone would do that in the fist place. and this is what gets me. and this i know. it might not mean that person doesn't love who their with; at least i like to believe that anyway.. because if i don't believe that, then majority of my last relationship was a lie.

it seems like that though, doesn't it? it seems like everything was a lie once this is presented to you. you sit and think "what else were they lying about?", "what else have they done?"

and then the self doubt comes. "what did i do wrong?" "am i not good enough?" "am i not good looking enough?" and then you tear yourself apart.

what i don't get is how easy it is for people to do this. and how common it is now. that hurts me. it sucks to know that there are people who are ok with doing this.

if you're even THINKING about cheating on someone or you have ANY INTENTION of cheating on someone; just leave them. save them the hurt. save them from questioning themselves and AND everything you ever did for them. stop cheating. stop lying. stop being unfaithful. stop thinking that emotionally investing in someone isn't JUST AS BAD as cheating. it's all shitty. it's one thing to have friends. it's another to pursue other people while you're committed to someone else.

as always, thanks for stopping by and listening to or reading about some things i want to get off my chest while making other people know they're not the only ones who feel this way.

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xx

thee savage